my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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