dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize