I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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