Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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