Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
