My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
