apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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