Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
