I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
