what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
