i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
