I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
