Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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