In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
