what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
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