my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
