Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
