Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
