I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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