thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
