first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
