Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
