I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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