today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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