I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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