Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Can't talk, ducks in the car
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
