I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
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My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
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I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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