Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
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He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
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It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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