She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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