best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
