There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
not ubering you a puppy
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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