I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
porn star boner night. come get it.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
