I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Randomize
