listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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