Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
