I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
