I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
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sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
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Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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