i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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