I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
