i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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