there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
