Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
