just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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