I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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