that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
