finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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