As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
