I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
