is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
