I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
