Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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