this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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