Will you blow on my dice?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
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Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
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Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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