apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
